This is an excerpt of my first personal essay. Enjoy!
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The Problem
I’ve been questioning issues of identity and questioning my notion of illness. For example, should I think of myself as a “schizophrenic,” thus giving myself a label or title, if you will, or should I think to myself, “I have schizophrenia” while no longer identifying with the disease. In the latter statement the illness does not identify me, rather it is one of many traits. I feel the latter is the better option. Of course, perhaps ideally, I would not identify with anything, but this would be difficult and perhaps unrealistic What would that be like? Should I identify with my race, my education, my belongings for example? I would argue no, definitely no. I don’t really exist anyway, as an independent being, and there are many logical reasons indicating this which I will not yet elaborate on.
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And then what if I lose these things, these objects and traits that I think make up who I am. And, as I believe in rebirth, I will lose not only my possessions and friends at the time of death, but will in essence become an entirely new person in the next life. I would actually argue this is happening all the time. We think: “This is mine,” or “I am such and such,” and think these define who we actually are. But these things change, they are as impermanent as the leaves in Fall. Is there no identity? Where is it? What is it? I felt I had lost a good deal if not most of my identity when I had my psychosis, when I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. What happens when the artist loses his brush? Pain. The musician his instrument? Pain. I had lost what was most precious to me, my mind; my so called intelligence was really a farce, a kind of circus-like jumping through hoops and being trained like an animal.
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Is this a social flaw? I would never blame my schizophrenia on school, but is it possible that our society is somehow fundamentally flawed? Think about this: The world is full of greed. Most people work for their own sake, for example in school I was motivated by myself, by my grades, by my teachers etc to excel. Excel toward what end? At the cost of others? To get into a good college, a good job, accumulate wealth, retire and die. This is a horrible life, but it is the situation I am in, the situation that many, many are in. It is a truly meaningless existence. It becomes more and more clear to me that living one’s life for oneself, that is, one’s own gain, is hollow. We spend our whole life trying to please ourselves, neglecting the needs of others, to a higher or lower degree. It is the fundamental error of the world. This leads others to suffer. This illness of schizophrenia has motivated me greatly, been a gift actually in this sense, as I now hope to make the most of my life, realize my own frailty, and help others. This paper will act as a first step in this direction, the direction of altruism. I am an idealist, I admit it. But I also know that some of the ideas here could change the world.
Why? Why should we help others attain happiness instead of pursuing solely our own. On the most basic level, working for other’s happiness is the most effective way of increasing one’s own happiness. The other reasons are many: environmental, communal, psychological, spiritual. Environmentally, if everyone simply pursues their own interests, natural resources are depleted and the environment is polluted. Communally, (I speak of local, national, and global communities mind) whatever group of people work together toward a common happiness, not a selfish happiness, will better succeed toward this end. This end is happiness, the common desire of all. No local violence, no global war, no theft, no ill will. Psychologically, there would be many benefits as people feel accepted, nurtured, and loved. Spiritually, all faiths and spiritualities would be harmonious as altruism is a common theme, a common belief. Sounds good, but remember that we live in the embrace, in the very jaws of Yama, the lord of death, thus a true utopia is impossible. Any promise of utopia is false.
Focusing on one’s own happiness leads to a life of torment and despair. Why? One who lives as such has no reason to live and has no comfort in death. When working for the greater good, one wishes to live to help others even in times of despair. When working for oneself, when despair comes, and it will, there is no reason to keep living. Finally, when the altruist’s death is near, he or she knows that the world has been improved, that their life has made a difference, it has brought happiness and well-being to the planet. When he or she who seeks only personal gain is about to die, he or she reflects on a life of short lived pleasures and soon to disappear friends, relatives, and possessions. Without altruism or love, great love, one sees their death as a problem for me, my death. For the altruist, the only concern one has of death is its ability to halt their work for others. In death there will inevitably be pain and sorrow for both, but on the deathbed, the altruist knows that he or she has lead a life of purpose, the purpose of altruism. The afterlife does not matter. Do not do good works to get into heaven. Do not avoid evil deeds to avoid the gates of hell. Do you really believe in them anyway? Altruism is the best way to bring about peace on this earth, decrease suffering and increase happiness. That’s it. No magic, no metaphysics.
Without getting technical. What could be better than altruism? Intelligence? Intelligent people design weapons, they contribute to death. I’m not saying that intelligence is bad, it is just not the highest human quality, as I used to believe. I realized this when I reflected on the people who most inspire me from history. I asked myself: “What do they have in common?” People like Gandhi, H.H. The Dalai Lama, etc. They were and are all very altruistic. They care about others to an unusually high degree. Combined with their intelligence, they have made a deep impact on the world, at least from my own limited perspective.
Metaphysics
Now on to hypotheses on metaphysics. There is something in the mind that has the power to make the world divine, to bring heaven to earth, to transcend ordinary reality. What is ordinary reality? I would say that it is the world of objects, a world perceived in terms of objects, rather than the truth of existence. What is the truth of existence? I would say that it is letting go of our day to day notions and exploring new avenues of thought. All the time, not just now, not just in meditation or contemplation, no, all the time. One of my more recent experiences of this was lying on the ground under some trees in the arboretum in summer, staring up through the leaves to the sky above. Absolutely transcendent, no suffering. I do not know what it is, but I experience it in meditation and when walking about. It is a kind of beauty that leads to poetry and is an expression of what Whitman called: “perfect miracles.” More recently, I experienced this transcendence when hearing about and meditating on emptiness. There was no mental or physical tension at all. This is actually slightly different from the previous example. The first, lying under a tree, is an example of inspiration, whereas the second was a kind of deep sense of peace. Related, but different.
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Subjective Reality
I’m beginning to doubt the existence of an external reality. Can you prove to me that something exists outside my own mind, something solid, something really “there”? I would say it is impossible. You can show me mathematics, experiments, etc, but these cannot be proven to exist beyond their mere appearance, mere conception. Math, for example is divine in origin, but it is at the same time a human invention. Humans thus are divine. Absolutely. Even the one’s who kill and send others to their deaths. As divine beings, humans, as well as animals deserve utmost respect and love. What makes humans seem ordinary to us is our familiarity with ordinary thoughts and views. What we perceive is dependent upon what we impute on the objects appearing to our senses. For example, if I can train myself to believe that my environment is in actuality a Pure Land, that I am Buddha Amitayus, Avalokiteshvara or Vajrapani and that all the people around me are dakas and dakinis, as we do in generation stage tantra, who is to say that this is incorrect? From my side, I can make a new reality, a new appearance, by becoming familiar with new trains of thought.
Oh how horrible, how terrible to lose the eye for the beauty of this world! I think it almost happened to me, even though I’ve written so many poems praising these incredible, powerful images and experiences. Metaphysically speaking again, what is truth? Truth is the gateway to an understanding of reality. I would argue that truth is the presence of love. Can we see every living being as divine? Yes. In tantra, we visualize ourselves surrounded by heroes and heroines. Why not do this in everyday life? If what we experience depends on our own mind, why not change how we impute objects. I’ve actually done this once. For example, while on a walk this summer, I was surrounded by wish-granting trees, emanations of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, and the ground was the vajra ground of the mandala. What an effect this has on the mind!
